Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I don't think brook has ever known best
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Randomize
