You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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