Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
