i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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