and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
