she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
