Sober January is a disaster.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
