My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
