I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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