My underwear smells like fireworks.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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