They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
