I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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