i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
