Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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