So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
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