I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
