So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
