I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
