yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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