bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
