hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
