I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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