Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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