Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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