as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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