you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
