For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
