I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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