I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
