I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
