Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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