I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
