if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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