I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
