Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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