Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize