I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize