what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
