I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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