so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
