You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
