I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize