his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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