I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
