dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
whose parrot is this?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
