If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
