she looked like the before picture.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
