I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
