fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
