Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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