She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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