I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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