dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize