Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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