I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
