just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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