He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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