God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
