I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
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