Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
