And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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