You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
