too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize