thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
